Inertia.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion. An object at rest tends to stay at rest. I try to stay in motion, because sometimes I’m afraid if I stop, I won’t have the energy to move again.

Today was a day of running around a lot: between events, to and from the train station. It’s also been a lot of people time, which isn’t always easy for an introvert. When my colleague and I finished our meeting this evening to prepare for tomorrow’s training, I made the mistake of sitting down on a comfortable couch in the house where I’m staying. There’s a non-zero possibility of me just sleeping here so I don’t have to exert the extra effort of going upstairs to the bedroom.

Sometimes, until that moment I stop, I don’t realize how tired I am. I’m a perpetual motion machine, and so long as you keep me on the go, it’ll often be a while before it hits me that I might be exhausted. And I try to avoid experiencing that feeling until I’m ready to fall into bed, because then I might finally throw my hands up in the air and sleep for four days like I really want to.

Part of the tiredness is definitely emotional, not physical. I’ve had two intensely emotional weeks; in some ways, it feels like the week after my intensive leadership training has been just as emotionally taxing as the week of the training. Processing what I experienced and what I felt and then trying to put those experiences in the context of my daily life … it’s been rough.

Some things that I hoped would go differently after the training have been deeply disappointing. And things that I got to take a break from by being away for a week were right there when I got back. I’m also feeling the consequences of taking a week away to invest in myself, in a world that’s not built to accommodate time for reflection and learning and growth. I feel inspired and empowered, but also behind and frustrated.

Shifting how I think about myself and the things that happen in my life, the stories that I tell to interpret the world … well, the mind has inertia, too. Some of my narratives about myself and my worth have taken on a great deal of mass over the years, and they’re hard to move. Getting used to thinking of myself as powerful, or lovable – it takes time and practice to live into that.

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