Grinding it out

Ugh.  This is another one of those days where I am:

  1. Posting just to post.
  2. Posting late.

If I define “day” pretty flexibly as from whenever I wake up to whenever I go to sleep, then technically, I have been posting every day.  Most of them have even been substantive and thoughtful.  Today isn’t one of those, and it has me asking myself again what the point of this challenge is.

I do appreciate the discipline.  It’s something I have a hard time with, trying to do something consistently every day.  I don’t like to wake up or go to bed on a schedule; I’m terrible about exercising on a schedule; my meal times are pretty random some days.  That was part of the point, to simply practice being disciplined.  And this is usually about the time I get frustrated with something and stop doing it consistently, so I probably shouldn’t be that surprised that I’m going through a period of discouragement.

It has also been nice to have another discipline that I usually think about in conjunction with writing daily, and that’s the discipline of reading Scripture daily.  I’m a little ashamed to say I’ve been much better about blogging than reading my Bible; since I didn’t publicly announce to anyone that I’d read my Bible every day, I don’t feel as accountable, which I hate saying.  That’s another issue I need to work on: being internally motivated as opposed to always needing to set up a system where I feel obligated to other people to do what I said I’d do.  That system works well for a lot of things, but not so much when I need to do work on my own goals and inner stuff that’s mostly about me and the Lord.  So I’m trying to bridge things a little by tying  the internal discipline that no one else is watching to the external discipline I feel more accountable to.

I hope that will result in some change.  Lent can feel like a really long time, and when I’m in the middle of it I don’t always feel confident that whatever I’m trying will have the kind of lasting effect that will make it worth doing.  I get frustrated, and I feel like I can’t achieve the things I want for myself.  I’m rying to take the long view and remember that it’s only been 13 days.

But hey – it’s been 13 days!  That’s progress, right?

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