I don’t know if this is a revelation or a mope or what, but it seemed worth putting out there.
I have a real basic issue with relying on God for my emotional needs. It’s not just as far as men and dating, although that’s the area with the most visible carnage; it affects the way I view all my friends and what I expect of them, and even the emotional maturity (or lack thereof) with which I respond to professional situations. My constant, black-hole need for affirmation and affection to validate my existence and all my thoughts and actions creates a lot of ridiculous drama, and causes me to do many things that are quite stupid. The fact that my life is fairly stable and successful is very much the grace of God in protecting me from my own faults.
Nonetheless, I still have a major lesson to learn about who God is, and therefore who I am; and it occurred to me that my singleness may be a very deliberate, purposeful teaching mode on God’s part. I’ve had multiple rounds of opportunities to sort this out, and it may have gotten to the point where I’m going to have to take the most long and painful (for me) route to gain this knowledge.
It’s possible that I’m not going to be granted a husband and children, because in order to deal with this sin issue of mine, I need not to have that source of affirmation that I yearn for the most. It’s not a punishment, just a consequence; because I’ve turned having a family into an idol, I can’t be trusted with it. It’s like alcoholism, or any other addiction – while the situation might be OK for many other folks, it affects me differently and I’m not able to handle it properly.
I feel a little like part of me just died saying that, but that might not be a bad thing, as there’s a part of me that obviously needs to die to sin and have a renewed spirit after God’s heart. I don’t feel like crying; just regretful, wishing I’d taken the opportunity to do differently when I had it. That’s life, though … you don’t get to go back, you just get the chance not to make the same mistake the next time.