At least I have one of those. 🙂
So, my hot-headed flash of job-crisis is over; not that there aren’t still things that need to be worked out in my job, but I’ve gotten over the immediate and compelling urge to quit and retire to an organic farm. I think I need to set a new rule that I’m not allowed to take any action in response to any emotional developments (positive or negative) in my life for a period of 4-5 days. That seems to be about the time I need to have my reactions and then find my balance.
I have some interesting challenges ahead of me. The one that I’m most curious about is the need to control my very transparent facial reactions that so clearly communicate my opinions on a matter even when I take effort to control my verbal expressions. At first, i was really wrestling with this, because I have no idea how to make my face not say what I’m thinking; but then my colleague-confidante this afternoon said it wasn’t really about separating my face from my thoughts, but achieving the kind of peace and equilibrium in my thoughts that allow me to accept other people’s suggestions and comments without having them immediately disturb me. Actually, I’m not sure I have any idea how to do that, either … but I think it may be more feasible, although it will require a great deal of mental re-training. In the meantime, I might just have to tell people to ignore my face and know that my initial reaction is not necessarily where I’ll end up on an issue.
Also, I think I definitely need to continue studying what it means to be a leader. I’m OK at it in some ways, but I’m not yet that person who truly knows how to gently guide a group toward a desired end; how to balance between exerting visible influence and stepping back; how to know when to throw my weight around and what exactly that “weight” really is. Part of this is just developing skill over time, but I also think I need to do more reading about what others have thought and come up with on the topic. Book suggestions welcome!
Another suggestion was that I need to work more to build up a) my relationships with my allies in my work environment, and b) my personal “board of directors” who helps guide me in life challenges. With relation to b), I’ve got a pretty kick-ass group as a foundation so far; but what I think is missing are other people who are in very similar work positions and environments to me and facing some of these same challenges. Basically, I think I need to add some corporate executives to my “board”, and some non-profit leaders. Come to think of it, I need some of those on my organization’s board as well!
Unlike my roommate situation, I actually feel like I can find a way to approach this and both get the things that I need and satisfy the things that others may want. That’s a nice feeling, so I don’t have to end up writing a post titled Failed, #2. I think I have to learn to be more secure in myself, and content with who I am, so that I can act in boldness and confidence but submit when needed. It’s tiring to always be in this uncomfortable, defensive posture toward so much of the world around me. I’m trying to figure it out – with my friends and family, when I do feel comfortable, why is that, and how did I get there?