I will not, thank you very much.
So I think it’s official as of Monday that I’m in a pretty severe depression. The old standards have returned – the sense of being completely overwhelmed, the morning and evening crying, the gentle but steady withdrawal from social contact. The return of suicidal ideation is a bit of a surprise; I thought I’d kind of dismissed that aspect of the whole thing given that I was never going to work up the courage to go through with it, but perhaps that was only a temporary deterrent for a milder sort of depression. The part that feels very, very new is the constant sense of anger. There’s typically an aspect of my depression that includes a sort of bitterness, but this is somewhat different … it’s like there’s this constant underlying potential for me to just flame up with rage. Eventually, once I’ve raged and been rebuked for it, I’ll turn it back inward on myself as usual, but there remains a lingering feeling of potentially hating everyone a little bit, all the time. I’m curious as to the origins of that one; I’d talk about it with my therapist, but I’m definitely angry at her.
It’s so interesting watching myself go back into this again. The part of me that observes me is diligently studying the progression and trying to understand the stages better; she’s been aware of this slow descent for a while, but was wondering if it’d plateau rather than take the deep dive. She’s the curious one, and the one who probably handles most of the rest of my life so that the angry, weepy, crazy me only makes an occasional appearance instead of a constant freakshow. Angry Me is frequently irritated with Observing Me for the constant pressure to conform to social norms and be nice to people around me; on the other hand, Angry does appreciate that Observing holds down the job necessary to keep us housed, fed, clothed, and out of debt. Thanks, O.
A big question, of course: do I keep blogging? The one thing anyone who’s ever been depressed knows about depression is that no one really wants to hear about it; it gets old quick, and no one can ever figure out why you just won’t adopt a positive outlook. Heck, I’m depressed and I’d even get a little tired of reading a depression blog. I’m sure I’d get tired of writing one. I’m already tired, and I’m hardly through this entry. Of course, it is quarter to 11PM after a long week.
I’m almost surprised to be writing this today because yesterday was such a good day. But I guess I forgot that’s another aspect of this whole thing; you can totally count the good days and the bad days, and they switch off (or switch right in the middle) without warning. This week, it does seem that my likelihood of a good day is inversely proportional to the amount of contact I have with my roommate. I suspect that’s going to be a recurring theme … in combination with the stress of my job these days, that means I’ve got a good 3 months of this to go, at least, before I can catch a break. Let the fun begin!